Life

What do I  want to do?

Not just for the immediate future, but with the time I have on the earth.

What am I good at?  What am I passionate about?  What do I like doing?  Why?

I like playing video games and reading fantasy novels.  Why?  Is it because I'm able to escape my immediate reality and exist in a different environment?  But what has been so bad about my life that I'm running from?  I've played video game for about as long as I can remember.

I also like cooking, or at least that's what I tell myself.  But by the same token, I enjoy being in a chem lab.  How can I combine video games, fantasy novels, cooking and chemistry?  Cooking and chemistry seems to run hand in hand with food science, but where do video games and fantasy fall into that world?

I pretty sure I know who I am and that isn't changing anytime soon.

Unemployment gives you a lot of time to think.  Maybe it's a good thing. I dunno.

Ambiversion

There’s nothing really going on in my everyday life.  Everyone else seems to be so busy and I just do nothing and sit on my ass all day.  Regretting choosing WPI and not getting more involved on campus, but perhaps it would’ve been easier had it been a different school?

I dunno. I’m weird because I’ll do any activity because for me it’s the people you do the activity with that makes it fun.  Sure skydiving would be awesome, but if you do it by yourself, it’s far less exciting.  Life is meant to be a shared experience.  That’s what I think at least.

Even crappy/boring things can be made a lot more fun by just having a friend along.  I don’t really understand what’s brought about this change in me.  I used to be fine sitting inside my ass all day playing video games or watching movies/anime by myself.  I need social interaction.  Extroversion.  Introversion.  Where do I fit?  Am I both?  But by that case, aren’t I really just an introvert who sometimes can put on an extroverted face?   But then why do I get antsy after spending most of my days alone in my room?

Community.  I believe I’m looking for community.  A fraternity would have been a community.  A community perhaps not quite suited for me, but a community nonetheless.

Three years, I tried to find community where I was used to it being.  But I didn’t find it, now I’m just lost.  I have good friends here, yet why do I still feel so alone?  Why am I unhappy? Am I actually unhappy?  I must be because I’m fairly certain I’m not happy. Which I guess means I am unhappy.  Why?  What am I running from?  Am I running or am I hiding?  Something needs to wreck me.  But at the same time, I’m scared of what that will look like.  Do things truly have to be destroyed before they can be made new again?  Sounds so cliché.

Man this it’s like I’m writing poetry, I don’t even know what I’m saying.

Weird faith games.  Weird faith games…

Winter break should prove to be interesting.

Happy Thoughts

I thought to myself the other day.  How come you only write sad posts?  Why such a Debbie Downer/Negative Nancy?  GOTTA BE A POSITIVE PETER. Write when you’re happy/normal, not only when sad!

Gotta get in touch with the reason this blog was started! Write random stories! For the readers! Which I’m fairly certain there’s probably only one still left…  But I mean it’s nice to look back and what I’ve written in the past and remember the good old days.  So this will be a place for me to look back on college in a few years. See how I’ve changed.

With that all said and done… I don’t have any inspiration of what to write…

Is there anything that was extraordinarily awesome recently?  Okay, maybe this isn’t going to work as easily as I thought because the only thing that comes to mind is me gaining my seven pounds back… Which isn’t all that exciting, and not very pleasant either…  I experience what hunger was today for the first time in three days of always being full or bloated.  I don’t even know why I’m so fixated on trying to gain weight/get bigger.

I’ve always been happy with how I look, yet I’m trying to make myself look “better”.  BUT ON THE POSITIVE PETER SIDE OF THINGS, going to the gym is my only source of exercise other than walking to class.  In fact, I don’t think I remember regularly exercising since I played Frisbee, which hasn’t happened since sophomore year.  So I’m being healthier in that regard!  And it’s become fairly routine, going to the gym that is. So when I hit 30 and my metabolism decides to kick the can, I’ll hopefully still have the good habit of going to the gym.  Hell I’ve even started trying to floss recently.

Now I’m just rambling.  But everyone should listen to the new Epik High album. It’s K-pop, well not pop, but kind of.  Well okay I guess it’s K-pop, but Gangnam Style is damn catchy so I’ll link it below.  I can’t promise the quality of your life will improve like it did after the first viewing of Gangnam Style, but it’s a damn good song and I’ve been listening to their new album “99” on and off for the past week or so.

On the topic of music, I’ve been “finding” a lot more new music lately, rather than listening to the same old crap that I downloaded in high school and can recognize after 2 seconds into the song. I just thought of an idea for a story.  I believe the last time we actually visited Dalziel, he was still in high school.  I can go verify that fact later.  But we can have a catch-up story.  It’ll be great.

Right, I was going to link Epik High.  Watch it.  The song starts at ~1:00 if you don’t care about the intro to the music video or have the attention span of a gold fish, which only have a 30 second memory I’ve been told.  Many times.  Too many times.

 

WEEEEEKKEEENNNDDDD which means alcohol

Hurricane

I really like the sound of rain.  It’s so soothing, even when it’s not raining I find I work best under the conditions of rainymood and smooth jazz Pandora.  I don’t really know why I opened up a word document and started typing actually, to completely change the topic.  There’s a hurricane outside and the emails I’ve been getting are making it seem super serious, but if you just look outside… It’s just another rainy day, BUT YOU HAVE TO STAY INSIDE AND CAN’T GO OUTSIDE FOR ANY REASON.

It’s going to be an interesting term.  I can already tell.  It’s only been half a week, but I can feel it in my bones.  The things that happen this term will make or break me.  And the work load hasn’t even picked up yet.  Well that’s probably because I’m not ever too worried about school work because you just do it and then it’s done.  Haha, that actually works with everything.  If you do it, it will be done, because you just did it.

Okay, getting a little weird up in here Dave it’s like you’re talking to yourself.  But isn’t that why I write this blog?  I have all these thoughts and feelings pent up inside me.  And I actually DON’T think I can deal with them.  I can’t just sit here alone and be comfortable just being in my own skin.  I don’t know why.  I’m looking for something, but I don’t know what.  It’s like the worst invention in Harry Potter.  The remembrall or whatever it is.  It tells you when you’ve forgotten something, but of course you’re not going to remember otherwise you wouldn’t have forgotten it.   I’m looking for something but I don’t know what.

Yes, the proverbial God-shaped hole that you try to fill with a bunch of things whether it be money, cars, girls, games, sex, drugs and the like.  But I feel like I’ve been a part of that community for so long.  I’ve never known anything else.  But then that gets into the question of how I've definitely never felt this lost when I was in that phase.  But I also can’t imagine myself going back to be that same person, at least not at WPI.  I don’t know. I really don’t know.

And of course the next logical step at this point in time is to go lose myself in something because it’s rather unsettling to be in this state for too long.  Or I could just wallow in sadness and listen to music and the rain rhythmically splattering on the ground outside my window. We’ll see. We will see.

Just gotta keep on keeping on.

Reboot

I need to get back into school mode and do work, but I don't really want to, but I have to.

Too much independent study and too many freaking letters in equations.  What happened to the numbers in math?

Every group project I'm a part of, I rarely do any of the hard work, I just pick awesome group members.  I assemble the team and I feel like I actually do little work.  I'm just there for moral support.


I need to stop busying myself all the time.  I also need to go to sleep.

Goodnight

Summer Wrap-Up

Man, it seems like just yesterday summer was starting and I was struggling with what to do with myself for three months.   But now it’s over and classes are starting on freaking Thursday.  It’s been an interesting summer, but the past few days have been the most memorable.  Not just the icing on top of the cake, because frankly, I’m not too big a fan of icing.  The last few days have been the extra secret fries you discover in the bottom of your bag, but not of just my summer, but of probably my entire college career up until now.

I can’t really collect my thoughts right now.  But I guess a little back story will do.  I’ve told many people that WPI is not the right school for me, and I think I’ve finally put my finger on why that is.  Though I am studying chemistry and chemical engineering, I’m not exactly a super technical man.  I mean I am, but I still do have a creative side, and the environment at school is so isolated and narrow that only a portion of my personality is “satisfied” so to speak.  It’s the right environment for some people, but for me it’s not quite right.  I feel like I knew that going to school but I thought to myself, “I’m pretty adaptable, so it doesn’t really matter what community there is at college because I can change to fit.”  But after three years I can say that I was dead wrong.  It’s like I’m used to being able to connect with different people, but at WPI only half of my connections are being used and the other half is left in a cage to rot, and when half of something is rotting, the rest of it will start to suffer as well.

Man I get really long-winded sometimes.

So summer, I had a job and work 9-5 Monday to Thursday.  That left me a long weekend every weekend which was really nice.  I quickly got into a routine and started pumping out my days.

Then it ended and I came home to California for a week.  And retreat happened, and I wish never had to leave.  I felt at home; truly a family.  Something I had not felt in a long time.  I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I know God will take care of me.   One more year of school and then I’m into the working world and the rest of my life.

I’ll just keep on keeping on and everything will be alright.

Late Night Thoughts

So I just got an email about a possible job up in Sudbury.  It’s just a quick phone conversation to talk about it if it’s what I’m looking for, but at this point I’m really just looking for anything…  Whether or not I enjoy what I actually end up doing is just a bonus.

Fortunately, I really like chemistry/lab work so where ever I go, if I’m in a lab, I’m gonna have a good time.  I don’t really know where I’m going to be this summer and it’s kind of annoying.  I supposed most people would be anxious and stuff, but that just doesn’t really happen to me.  Well maybe that’s a lie, I am writing this blog post at 4:15 am.  But I just felt the need to talk to someone even if it’s myself in a word document.  There’s something strangely comforting about typing out these blogs to myself and the host of whoever reads these things, which after IQP I’ve found is quite a large number of bored people on the internet, but I guess that’s what I get for making facebook posts about each update I make.  The internet is indeed a super public place, it makes stalking that much easier.

Oh well, it’s the first day of summer and I should probably sleep.  I also should probably call my parents tomorrow, or rather, later today.  But I’m gonna play a little bit of ME3 first.

The things I do… I’ll just set an alarm for noonish tomorrow so I don’t sleep the entire day away.

P-P-PEACE

p.s. Daybreak by Michael Haggins is amazing, especially this specific rift from it.

10 min loop that I can listen to for forever.  http://soundcloud.com/sirchr/daybreak-by-michael-haggins