The Day of Unfortunate Events.

So, guys. My idea pool is running a little low, I have enough ideas left in my head to last maybe 2-4 more days, not including today, but 2-4 days is not very long. So start posting random ideas in comments and you will see if they are used or not, you will not find out if your idea was used or not until I actually write a story and you see it posted. So if you ever think of an ingenious idea that you think that I can make interesting, please feel free to post it. The worst idea is the one you don’t suggest, so anything that comes to mind.

Now that that little announcement is over, we can continue on with the next adventure in Dalziel’s exciting, drama-filled life. Last we had left him with the lingering taste of some poopy silver nitrate in his mouth, but that had been covered up and dissolved into the large amounts of random snacks Dalziel was eating and swallowed where it would then be digested and turned into REAL poop. The taste was so unique, that Dalziel is sure that he will not forget the taste anytime soon, not until he becomes a senile old man who yells and little kids for no apparent reason.

Now, onto the story…

It was just a normal Sunday morning. Dalziel was waking up to the more melodious beeping of his new-found alarm clock with many different functions. He had moved into his brother Northrop’s room after Northrop had moved away to college. Well he hadn’t really moved into Northrop’s room by choice. When his older brother had come back home for Thanksgiving break he was bringing home some special people, and by special people I mean special to him ;D. So Mama Dalziel decided that since Northrop’s old room was only one wall away from the master bedroom that these special guests would not feel comfortable sleeping a wall away from the owners of the house. The simple solution to this problem was to move Dalziel out of his current room and into Northrop’s old room.

Dalziel was not totally against moving into what had used to be his room many, many years before. In fact, Dalziel had Northrop had switched rooms numerous times. Thus Dalziel never had to decorate his room with his own posters and other funky additions that make a room personal. Northrop, being the lazy person he was, would never take down anything from the walls of his old room, and Dalziel just inherited the decorations with no complaints.

So back to that Sunday morning: Dalziel was awakening to his new and improved alarm clock that also doubled as his cell phone and watch. He groggily shuffled into the bathroom and waited his turn to empty the liquids the night had left in his bladder. After leaving his morning’s waste its place, he shuffled back into his/Northrop’s room and decided what he was to wear that morning to Sunday service. Half-awake he picked out his nice pink striped shirt and khaki pants. Dalziel always liked looking nice on Sunday mornings, he was brought up dressing up on Sundays and there was nothing wrong with looking your best when going off to meet the one you love.

An analogy to help illustrate this belief: if one were to say, meet a special someone of the opposite sex (or the same if that’s how you swing), one would like to look his or her best. One would not want to in anyway repel this special someone by wearing pre-ripped jeans because that special someone would probably be repulsed by the fact that someone paid $100 for something that he or she had bought for $1 and worn down into the “fashionable” look after years of use. If one really wants to wear old-looking pants, you are welcome to bring any pair of new jeans to me and I will wear them for you for a few years, and I will return them to you in their full $100 glory.

So Dalziel got all dressed up for Sunday, brushed his teeth and completed all the normal morning routines that people should do. But in fact, this brushing teeth thing in the morning had only entered Dalziel’s life about a year before this dread-ridden Sunday morning. Dalziel had used to believe that brushing teeth in the morning was just something the toothpaste companies had invented to get people to use more toothpaste and this would in turn, make people buy more toothpaste as they consumed more toothpaste in a daily basis. But his views had changed after this topic of his not brushing his teeth had been insulted by someone who he held in a special light. This got Dalziel thinking more about his personal hygiene and then he realized that the tooth paste companies were not just money-hungry people looking to gyp people out of their money. Every morning when he awoke, he would feel that disgusting feeling in his mouth as if someone had just took a crap in his mouth. Unlike the silver nitrate experience of his life, his mouth actually did not taste of poop, but it felt as if someone had; there was the same textural feeling. And then ever since that fateful day, Dalziel started brushing his teeth every morning and he had one person to thank.

After the normal prep, Dalziel sat waiting in the kitchen for Northrop to finish up as he could not drive yet. As Northrop came slowly traipsing down the stairs, Ladridia went ballistic as she normally does; running around in circles, barking her little head off, but all this chaos was easily solved with a simple stomp on the floor and a menacing, “Ladridiaaa?”. So all was quiet and peaceful as Northrop and Dalziel got into the car for the normal twenty minute drive to church.

But this was no normal morning anymore... With Northrop driving, the normal twenty minutes was cut by a quarter into fifteen minutes. And also since Northrop did not feel “normal” parking in the back of the church where the English service was held, all this unnatural occurrences just because Northrop was home… All these out of the ordinary things should have tipped off Dalziel that something else out of the ordinary was bound to happen, and that’s just what he got.

Dalziel was stepping out of the car, he reached for his bible with his right hand, stepped out of the car right leg first, and then as soon as his left leg cleared the car, he began to close the door with his right hand with the bible in it. As he was doing so, his left hand was lagging behind the rest of his body and as the door came back to meet its counterpart of the car’s frame, it was so desperate to be reunited with its partner that it dragged everything in its way back to the car with it. Unfortunately for Dalziel, the pointer-finger of his left hand was in the path of the lust-driven car door and was dragged into the dark crevasses that surround the cracks of a door.

At first Dalziel thought he could just quickly slip his finger out from the crack, but unbeknownst to him, but knownst to car, his finger was jammed snugly in place with the door fully closed.

“AH! HELP! AH!”

“What!? What’d you do?”

Opening the door and quickly clutching his left finger, “CRAP! Ah… I… Just slammed my friggin’ finger in the door.”

“HAHAHA… are you serious?” looking at Dalziel’s mangled finger, “HOLY CRAP KID! YOU DID! AHAHAHA! ARE YOU OKAY?!”

“Yeah I think, it just kind of hurts…… a lot…” the blood started pooling on top of Dalziel’s finger and the two brothers rushed towards the church building for some immediate first-aid kid attention.

“Good mor - ooh that looks like it hurts, go to the office for some bandaids,” were the first words out of the morning’s welcoming usher. The two brothers then continued into the office where Dalziel quickly grabbed a tissue and held it snug over his profusely bleeding finger. Northrop was busy looking for the first aid kid and a bandaid large enough to hold all of Dalziel’s precious fruit punch with cornstarch solution inside his body.

At this point Dalziel was feeling slightly light-headed from the shock and perhaps from the blood he had lost, even though he had only lost probably a few ounces by then. He promptly sat down as Northrop continued riffling through random cabinets in search of the magical heavy netherweave bandage that would restore 3400 HP to Dalziel’s battle-ridden body. (No not really, but you get the idea.)

Finally one of the administrators of the church came around and with his experience in Chinese safety tactics, found the first aid kit in no time and Dalziel was able to properly bandage his wound and apply an excessive amount of anti-biotic. Thus, this fateful day was one that will not soon be forgotten in Dalziel’s life. To this day, his left pointer-fingernail is still not the same. Yes, it has grown back, but its normal shape and thickness has been altered with, perhaps this small deformity will be with Dalziel for the rest of his life to remind him of the hilarious yet embarrassing plights of his younger days…

Chemistry...(what type of chemistry? ;D)

Yeah, so now that Dalziel’s adventure in Jr. High land are over, we can move forward a few years and meet up with him in High School. Namely his AP Chemistry class where is completing a lab practical… Actually… due to a complaint of a die-hard fan, I am now changing all names to something that flows better with the stories, seeing as all of the names I have been using are basically randomly random names, I will try to stick with either something I make up, or just a random other name…

Ok, never mind… I just spent like 5 minutes trying to think of a different name for our main character and could not think of on that is palatable by my standards, back to my random weird sounding names that are not palatable to some certain “white boys” and by “white boys” I mean Tommy Yan… yeah, that’s right, a real name just appeared on my blog! =O

So Dalziel found himself half-sleeping, half-awake in chemistry class as he often does. Not only was it chemistry class though, by far he enjoyed his chemistry class the most, but Dalziel could not find the strength in his body, namely his eyelids, to stay awake, he would survive through class as a zombie. He would never be fully awake unless something was especially exciting, but he would never be fully asleep, except for in elective classes that do not really matter.

So there was this one incident in which Dalziel found himself being wide awake. Often times under similar circumstances he would find himself wide awake and relatively active: Lab time. Dalziel thoroughly enjoyed lab very much. Not only was his lab bench an interesting bunch to talk to, but he enjoyed the actual chemistry labs despite their academic focus. He enjoyed mixing chemicals and obtaining many different products and especially those awesome colors that are oftentimes a result of a well-done lab experiment. Dalziel was typically quite normal in his chemistry labs, following the rules closely, but still leaving enough room for him to have fun. Not wasting his effort in achieving the perfect 5.0000000mL measurement as he knew from his experiences at his dad’s office that such a precise measurement would have little to no effect on his experiment.

But this one day, Dalziel found himself in a very odd situation… instead of loosely following the rules and safety conditions of the lab procedures; he was going completely against them. He was putting these potentially dangerous chemicals… INSIDE HIS MOUTH! But of course the estrogen-infested part of his lab bench was in protest of his highly unorthodox ways, but that did not stop him; Dalziel was feeling adventurous!

So the reason Dalziel was being completely unorthodox in his actions was because of the ridiculously complex vagueness of this particular experiment. The students were given a list of 15 potential chemicals they could receive. Of these 15 they would receive 10 and would have to properly label. Some of these candidates were NaCl – table salt, C₆H₁₂0₆ – glucose (sugar), and H₂O – water. These three candidates were obviously easily distinguished by taste which is why Dalziel found some unidentified liquids and solids near his mouth.

His first taste-test had been a very effective test. He had observed the different solids they had gotten, picked out one that looked like NaCl and cautiously poured out a few crystals onto his lab book. Then out of the blue, he quickly swooped down, like an owl to its prey, and sucked up the minute crystals as if he were a vacuum cleaner. To his half-expecting tongue, the taste of salt reached his tongue, shot up to his brain and registered on his tongue and from his life’s experience he immediately registered the taste as NaCl, common table salt. Thus, the lab group had identified its first salt within a matter of seconds with no chemicals involved other than the offending NaCl and the saliva which coated Dalziel’s tongue.

The next obvious tasting candidate was either water or glucose, as all of the solids had no resemblance to glucose, so either his lab group did not have glucose in their selection of 10, or it was in solution. Dalziel and his lab partner, Gamaliel, decided to take their chances and try to find either water or glucose by taste, but the complimentary lab group, which consists of those certain people who shall remain unnamed because I do not want to find more names, objected to these “stupid” boys risking their precious tongues in search of the wily water and glucose. So Dalziel and Gamaliel decided to sit back and relax for a little while as the girls conducted their highly precise, meticulous chemistry experiments.

Then something unexpected happened; one of the girls, Tallara, was fed up with the orthodox ways of living her chemistry lab life! She finally motioned for Dalziel and Gamaliel to work their taste-bud magic and find out what the chemicals were with a simple “Can you just… you know *motion towards mouth*…”

“Hells yes!” was the hearty reply. So now, the boys had to come to a decision, there were 5 liquids left, and the girls were having trouble with two of them, who would get which test tube. Whose tongue would potentially be scarred for life? Gamaliel took his chances 1^st, with a small dab of his pinky into the test tube; he acquired the liquid ready for taste-testing. He quickly stuck his tongue out and dabbed his tongue with the slightly moist finger.

“That is not water!” exclaimed Gamaliel as he darted towards the sink for water and a paper towel. Now came Dalziel’s turn to take a shot and become the pawn in the lab group’s quest in search of the devious water and sugar… He uncorked the test tube which he had chosen, placed his finger over the top and inverted the test tube so he could obtain some liquid. He then slowly stuck out his tongue and slowly moved his finger closer to his tongue. As the liquid reached the vicinity of his nose and he could not smell anything, Dalziel was slightly reassured that he had chosen wisely and would not be scarred for life. But little did he know that the chemical on his finger would NOT taste like water, and WOULD leave a dark brown mark where it came in contact with his skin.

“Ugh! Definitely not water!” Dalziel briskly walked over to the sink and paper towels just as Gamaliel had before him. He rinsed his mouth out over and over, but the offending taste would not be cleansed! It was as if someone had taken a crap inside of his mouth and had spent the time to wipe the feces all over the inside of this mouth so it would take a long time to clean out. Dalziel dejectedly walked to his lab bench, moist paper towel applied to his tongue in an attempt to mask the taste of poop in his mouth. Despite his attempts to overpower the taste, he could not do so without food on his hands. And seeing as how he had forgotten his lunch money at home, he could not purchase any vittles to clear the taste.

Dalziel tried to continue on with lab and hoped that the taste would slowly dissipate from his mouth, but 5 minutes later, he could taste the silver nitrate as if he had just put it on his tongue. So he looked around at the rest of his lab group and asked, “Anyone have food so I can get rid of this terrible, TERRIBLE, taste?”

And it’s late now, so Dalziel got a fiber bar from his lab group and he completed the lab without placing anything else near his mouth. Oh and by the way, he was luckier than Gamaliel who tastes HCl- Hydrochloric acid.

Adventures of the Puberties... part 2!

So last we left Dalziel with Amadea sitting alone on the bus… well not really, but we’ll just say he did…

Now the weekend progressed without occurrence. Dalziel gladly attended his conference, and was having such a good time that he had forgotten about the whole stressful, wonderful ordeal that had occurred on the bus. All was going along fine in Dalziel’s world until the conference came to an end, and Dalziel had to return to school.

He was suddenly slapped in the face with the realization of what would happen in school. There would be the awkward silences that he knew he could not alleviate with his minimal social skills. Those silences would be the ones that ripped him apart; he knew that just because he had not had the courage to deftly return the peck that these silences would happen. If he had just been faster by 5 minutes in making his decision rather than dilly-dallying his time away, if he had listened to his “BFF”, Alcaeus, who was sitting next to him (happy?) he would not have to deal with this dent in their old friendship. But of course all of this was just the musings of Dalziel within his own head. Would Amadea really feel different after the simple, unfeeling peck she had given away? Or did she put a lot of meaning into that motion? Dalziel had no way of finding out until he actually saw Amadea again in school.

That Tuesday, he returned to school expecting the worst, but he did not either extreme. He was not completely erased from Amadea’s life; she acknowledged his presence as he sat down next to her during 2^nd period history, but the normal flare behind her voice had lost its sparkle. So he was in the dog house as Tim from “Home Improvement” had called it. All he needed was to get out of the dog house and back into the real house and all would be fine again. Then and only then could Dalziel find someway to repay the wonderful gift he had received from the woman of his dreams.

Dalziel tried to act no differently from than before any tension had appeared between himself and Amadea. At first, Amadea was reluctant to talk to Dalziel as she had before, but Dalziel was determined to get himself out of the dog house and kept at it and finally after 10 longs school days, his relationship with Amadea was restored to where it had been before. They laughed together, completed class work using the same book, and joked around. Dalziel had successfully moved back into the old house.

8^th grade continued on normally, tests, homework, chilling, and then the end of the year reared its shiny, golden yellow head over hill and the hype of summer began enveloping the school and included in the hype, the 8^th grade semi-formal dance…

Dalziel knew that his would be the best of the best opportunities for him to redeem himself, but he had recently been noticing this other boy, Mogens, had been hanging around Amadea a lot. He knew that this other male was around to pick up some candidates for the semi, but Dalziel had to beat him to the chase and ask Amadea before Mogens did. Being as inexperienced as he was, Dalziel decided that he could not smoothly ask Amadea to the semi so he asked Parsifal for some help.

Parsifal was glad to help Dalziel and they developed a plan: Amadea’s locker was close to Parsifal’s and thus at the end of the day, Dalziel would calmly walk over to Parsifal’s locker as if he was going over to talk to Parsifal, but then randomly Parsifal would leave to get something and Dalziel would be alone with Amadea and there he would pop the question. It seemed like a perfectly good plan in Dalziel’s head, but whether or not he could follow through with his plan was the real question.

That night Dalziel spent the whole night tossing and turning with butterflies in his stomach. He felt as if he stomach would fly out of his stomach and onto the green carpeted floor next to him and then his dog Ladridia would come in and eat it being the silly, disgusting dog she was. But alas, his stomach stayed where it should be under his diaphragm. When Dalziel finally did get to sleep he dreamt about how the whole plan would unfold itself. He dreamt about rejections, happy acceptances, and everything in between, but the last one he dreamt about before he awoke was a horrible rejection…

Dalziel awoke to the ridiculously annoying, piercing beep of his cheap eight dollar alarm clock. He was shaking and could not remember why, until he remembered his terrible, terrible dream…

Dalziel walked into school and barely noticed what was happening around him, all he could think about was what he was going to do that afternoon. Finally that afternoon came and the plan worked out perfectly and Dalziel found himself alone in the hallways with Amadea.

“So you going to the semi?”

“No?” she replied with eyes shifting around the room followed by a nervous giggle.

“well, you wanna go with me?”

Sad look appears on her face. “Sorry, but I can’t”

Dalziel, down-fallen walked away and Parsifal came bursting out of wherever he was and asked, “How’d it go!?”

“I got rejected…” was Dalziel’s sad reply. Dalziel slowly walked to his bus shaking off the rejection where he met Ianthe, Amadea’s good friend.

“Yeah… just got rejected by Amadea…”

“Oh… how come I didn’t know about this? Well you know it’s not her fault right?”

“What?! What do you mean not her fault…?”

“Well, her parents won’t let her date other races…”

“Are you freaking kidding?!?”

“No…”

“Well… there goes a load off my chest…”

Dalziel continued walking and burst out in laughter of all the stress that had gone through his life in this short moment of time. He thought that he was the only one whose parents controlled him like a puppet when it came to interaction with the other sex. Other people just seemed to interact freely however they pleased, they did not have the same leash as he did. At least, Dalziel now knew that other people like him, no matter what race, had their leashes well hidden out of sight. Dalziel experienced something in life that his mother would never know about, and he had grown up and become more of a man than he was before. This experience would not become forgotten by Dalziel. It had shaped him and opened his eyes to the stark realities of this silly, silly world. Dalziel was a new man…

Adventures of the Puberties!

So I think this next story is very well worth the time. It’s about me in 8^th grade, and my raging adolescent hormones…

Dalziel was excited to go to Six Flags. It was the end of his 8^th grade year and the band was going on their annual field trip to Six Flags. Not only would he be going on an awesome field trip, but the bus ride there was bound to be spent with his good friends, including his “special” friend. Her name was Amadea. She had sat next to Dalziel for pretty much the whole year in both Science and History. Dalziel had always been attracted to her and when he was assigned to sit next to her, he was at first scared as he could basically not interact with girls very well.

This scary, but true fact that Dalziel could not find himself interacting with girls was due to one factor. His mother had always hated Dalziel interacting with the opposite sex and whenever she could she would keep Dalziel away from those long-haired homo-sapiens. To his mother, the estrogen they emitted seemed to be identical to anthrax when within 10 feet of Dalziel. No matter how hard Dalziel tried, with his 8^th grade mind he could not overcome the 14 years of his mother’s conditioning.

Thus, on the 1^st day of assigned seating, when Amadea 1^st happily plopped herself down next to Dalziel he was unable to utter the 1^st word. All he could do was utter a simple, “hi…” in return to her hearty hello. As the year progressed, Dalziel slowly was able to talk to Amadea more and more. He would often crack jokes to her and just talk about random things. Another thing they had in common was that they were both in the band and hung out with basically the same crowd.

So it was the end of the year and the Band Six Flags trip was coming up. Dalziel was pumped to spend the 2 hour bus ride in the back of the bus chilling with his friends, and of course Amadea. So the first 30 minutes of the bus ride were spent just talking about random things and joking around, but then finally as the mood became chiller and the hormones kept on raging, Dalziel and the gang started playing truth or dare.

Of course since they were on a crowded school bus and sitting in the back, dares were rampant as truths were deemed “lame”. So the normal dares came around 1^st, “Haha lick the window, eat this random lint, etc.” then the hormones prevailed again and then the more interactive dares appeared: “go kiss ___ on the cheek, etc.”. Then Dalziel could not believe his ears, Parsifal dared Amadea to kiss him on the cheek! His mind was racing, “would she do it? What would he have to do in return? How would their friendship change after?”. Little did he know that Amadea was also similarly scared to complete the action, then finally after Parsifal’s constant nagging/cheering, she finally went through the action and as she did, Dalziel’s chest was thumping faster and faster and he felt as if it would just pop out onto the floor and continue pumping blood at 70 mL per second.

Then before he knew it, the whole ordeal was over, and Amadea was sitting back in her seat and Dalziel was sitting there with a stupid grin on his beaming face. Dalziel finally came to his senses and quickly sat back into a normal position and acted “cool”, as if nothing had happened. Then he finally realized that it was his turn to answer the daunting truth or dare question. He knew from the moment he looked at Parsifal’s smirking face what exact dare he would get: “go kiss Amadea on the cheek”. Without a doubt, Dalziel’s prediction was correct and he was faced with the toughest decision he would ever make in his raging hormonal adolescent life. Would he do it and potentially start a relationship with Amadea? Or would he chicken out and be the lame, shy Asian boy that couldn’t interact with girls?

Dalziel could not decide and spent a long, long time pondering what to do. He was weighing and reweighing each option, considering the different pros and cons. Then after much deliberation he was just about to make a decision, but then the bus came to a stop and all the band kids had to unload and prepare for their pre-Six Flags competition. (Looking back, I was really, really, really, really, extremely lame)

As the competition came to a close and the kids re-filed into the bus Dalziel made his mind up for sure. On the way back to the school he would return the favor and kiss Amadea on the cheek. But one thing had slipped his mind, he would not be returning home with the band on the bus. It was the start of a long weekend and Dalziel would be attending a conference with his family and to save time, they would be picking him up at Six Flags. At the end of the day, Dalziel walked back to the bus with the rest of the band and sorrowfully said goodbye to everyone as he walked away with his father to the car. He vowed to himself that he would somehow return Amadea’s favor before the school year ended.

… and we will find out whether Dalziel does so or not… IN A FUTURE POST! =O